Ethics & Non Monogamy

As an on again, off again practitioner of Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM) for more than 15 years now, I’m in the habit of revisiting my thoughts and feelings on non monogamy and it’s place in my life between relationships. It’s part of my process when starting or ending any relationship to dive into what worked for me and what didn’t, as well as what I’d like for myself from future relationships. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought recently as in June  a primary relationship ended.  I find myself considering both the arguments for and against continuing the pursuit of non monogamous relationships and what you see here is opinion not gospel.  It’s not my goal to be another one of those ENM blogs that pretends to have all the answers; this is just how I  see things.

I see people struggle with the ethical part of ENM more often than the non monogamy aspect itself.  When we break down boundaries with sex, it feels natural that other boundaries will fall away as well, but that only happens when everything is communicated honestly and everyone agrees to respect the same boundaries. When you treat that “E” as ‘entitled to do what I want’, you burn relationships and people out because no one can ever get a proper footing on where they stand; the result is often one person or the other pulling back or full retreat.

The ethical part of ENM is very much about communication, boundaries and expectations. Those things can evolve in relationships and ENM provides an opportunity to ride those changes out to a better relationship, but that can only happen with clear, honest communication. Some people will tell you that having expectations for others is a way to be disappointed but without some level of expectation, you wouldn’t have commitment either. It’s an altruistic idea that on paper seems logical and safe; ‘don’t expect anything from anyone and everyone will be happier!’. Humans by nature love and have the desire to be loved, so it’s in us to want and also to want to be wanted. I’m always wary when people tell say never to expect anything of others; what they are (often) telling you is they don’t want you to expect anything from them.

Not every ENM relationship will be earth shatteringly deep, but the practice of impermanence in relationships can  be a trap. It tells you things won’t last and so you shouldn’t invest yourself fully, but your relationship is limited by what you put into it. This is where I  see most ENM relationships falter; everything fades because someone limits the depth of connection when they don’t find fulfillment on some front in current relationships and instead of fostering it with who they are with, quickly look to seek it elsewhere. People chase  new relationship energy rather than working on the connections that they have.

Making something work doesn’t bring the same feeling as starting something new, so it’s easier to chase after an aspect of a relationship that you are presently lacking with someone new and wrap yourself up in the shiny  feeling of fullfilment that comes with it, rather than go to a partner and say ‘Hey, this is something that I need’.

Telling your partner that you need something feels scary for so many reasons: it puts expectation on them, they might say no or they might not be able to give it to you. This is where ENM can derail a relationship because instead of fixing it, many people take a ‘find it someplace else’ approach. This can lead to withholding, which can be both manipulative and dishonest but in a prettier, less guilt inspiring package. Not telling a partner what you want means that you never risk not getting it; it also deprives you both of an opportunity for growth in connection if you did have the guts to communicate your needs.

Continue reading

Tough Love

In less than 24 hours, I  spent time with two out of state friends who were catching up on what’s been going on with me in the six weeks since I stopped drinking and went through the breakup. Their approach and their advice was very different and one of those situations may have ultimately killedpppp a friendship.
”I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I feel like you need to so I hope you’ll let me say this once and you keep in mind that I support you no matter what. You were miserable waiting all that time for all the stuff she promised and I don’t think you’ll ever have any kind of relationship or friendship with her that will be fair to you. She’s being really unfair to you right now and it hurts me to watch it happening. You deserve better and I want better for you” Rowan said, as I sat quietly listening.
 
Rowan is my one of  best friends and she came to visit me the day I got after I got back from my road trip. She’d booked a flight out with another close friend, who ended up having to cancel last minute and the two of us hit the city as soon as she landed. Rowan is someone that’s been with me through all of the relationship struggles with Maeve and who has always been supportive of me trying to work on things. This was a little bit of a departure from her typically gentle and advice-free support and I listened carefully. She told me that she liked Maeve, that everyone we knew liked her, but that they all saw how unhappy I was, when I should have been excited about moving to New York with her. Our friends group thought that I was giving up too much to be with her and didn’t feel like she was ready to be able to do what it would take to meet me halfway. They all worried about me, wishing me well when I left  but also passed along some ‘I told you so’s’ via the friend that was visiting.
 
It was our only serious moment on the trip, but it left a mark; what did they all see that I hadn’t? Or had I  seen it and just looked past it in the name of hope and love?
 
“You’ve given someone a power over you to make you feel like it’s all your fault and you need to take that back, because it’s not. You are a really great person and yeah, we all make mistakes, but if she can’t admit her own faults, she can just pretend like all of them are yours. Stop letting her do that to you. It can’t be worth it” pleaded Rowan.

Continue reading

Further Down the Road

We arrived at Blake’s parents house just before dark on Sunday evening, having taken twists and turns deep into Washington state to get there. We’d left Mount Shasta at sunup that morning having all of Oregon and most of Washington to drive through before the trip was finished. We also decided to stop at a few fun places along the way.

We stopped in the town of Weed in Northern California and Blake bought picked up funny gifts for her porn crew with the town name clearly emblazoned on them. We’d found the town on accident on our way to the the last Blockbuster Video on the planet, where we also stopped for the amusement of it. Our second day on the road was more whimsical than the first and as luck would have it, even prettier.

The mountains in Oregon were snowcapped even in the summer heat and the trees stretched skyward, covering the hills for as far as you could see. We passed through  arid places where plants struggle to hold on in the dry, cracked earth and crossed bridges spanning beautiful rivers and and lakes as we climbed up and down the pacific north west. We stopped in weird little towns to let Bixby out or fill up the tank and we made getting there as much of a part of the journey as where we were going.

The dirt and gravel roads were just wide enough to slip the SUV through and a few low hanging branches scrapped the antenna on the roof as we crawled down the country road toward our destination. Blake’s mom didn’t know we were coming; we’d gotten the code from her step dad, who Blake made the arrangement for the surprise with.

Blake’s stepdad was on the mend from a bout of cancer serious enough that he and her mother had started putting all their affairs in order. Blake was due a visit but she doesn’t fly, so she asked me if I’d come to California and accompany her on the drive.

I’d never met Blake in person before the trip, though we talk or text nearly every day. We’d had plans to do things in the past that had just never panned out and it was only a matter of time before we met, but I hadn’t expected it to be on a road trip to meet (and stay with) her family. She doesn’t fly though and the drive is 20 hours, so we talked about it for a few days and then decided we we’re doing it; before I knew it, I was on a plane from one coast to the other.

She did all of the driving the day before and the second day it was my turn. I crossed over bridges and twisted through mountain roads for hours until we got to the secluded house that was deep in the woods. Blake hopped out and opened the metal gate and we crawled quietly up the rest of the drive to make the most of the surprise. I hung back when she went up the steps and her mother opened the door, elated to see her.

Her family was incredibly welcoming and they set Blake and I both up with guest rooms down the hall from each other, making sure I had an internet connection for work and taking no issue with the fact that what I do is porn. They knew that Blake works in the industry too and I feel maybe like it was comforting for them to meet someone (semi) normal who was in the same line of work.

During the day I sat outside on their deck, with views unlike any I’d ever seen, answering emails, handling invoices and editing content for the sites that I’m working on. In the afternoons we’d go for drives and visit the small towns around them, grabbing a bite or wandering through shops in quaint old fashioned downtown areas that felt a little lost in time with their vintage store fronts filled with modern offerings wedged between ice cream shops and pool halls. These were the kinds of places that you imagine when someone tells you they are going ‘into town’.

This was a departure from my life as of late and it was one that I  needed more than I    realized. In the span of less than a week, I travelled over 3,000 miles by plane, 1,200 miles by car, met Blake in person for the first time and was introduced to her family too. I met new people, experienced a different way of life than my own, visited states that I’d never been to and managed to walk away feeling clearer about the changes in my life I want to make now that I’m back home.

Five days before we’d never seen each other face to face, but it’s certain now that Blake is and will be a real part of my life.

Drifting

Pale yellow grass lined the west side of the road and on the east were rows of trees that hadn’t yet blossomed the peaches or apricots they will offer at harvest.

We passed farms with goats and cows searching for shade and more than a few acres of scorched black soil as we left miles of California behind us. The sun seemed to defy its natural inclination to set, beating down on us through the windshield even into the early evening hours. Our hours in the car ate into the distance that we had to cover, but we still had a long way left to go.

I’d started this trip with a six hour flight, which took me from the east coast to the west to meet Blake, whom  I’d known for years but had never met face to face before. The hours in the air gave me plenty of time to think about the journey that lay ahead and what I was trying to leave behind me. This was an adventure that I needed, both in the company I’d be keeping and in the places we’d see.

Meeting Blake was  long overdue; we work in the same industry, have a lot of the same friends and there is a good deal of overlap in our lives.  While I was in the air traveling to get there, she was on the ground shooting a blowbang.

Continue reading

The First 30

It’s been 32 days since the last time that I had a drink and I gave it up during a breakup, which is exactly when you really want to drink the most. Every little setback afterward made me want to reach for the bottle, but I  managed to find other ways to cope instead. It wasn’t easy; I  tried meditation, long walks, writing, going to shows,  group meetings, seeking out company, reaching out to friends and family and even prayer. It wasn’t any one of those things that did the trick really; it was a combination of all of the above.
 
The easy part though, was coming to the decision. I’d been considering taking a break for a few weeks and after the breakup argument with my ex, it felt like the right time. The situation itself was incredibly triggering for me and I feel like the things I said were true, but the way that I said them was bullshit. If I’d have been sober when the argument happened, things would have gone differently; the problems wouldn’t have been gone, but they wouldn’t have been made worse by the way that I  addressed them.
 
I’ve never been a binge drinker. I’ve never gotten sick from drinking or had hangovers, and I’ve never blacked out. That’s the problem that allowed me to continue increasing the amount I  was drinking until it was unhealthy; I didn’t suffer the consequences and so I never thought I was as bad off as people that had ‘a problem’. I was also more accustomed to drinking alone and staying away from people and conflict while I was drinking. It’s hard to do that when you are waiting for the conflict to come home to you at the end of the night though.
 
I’d recently moved to a new city with my non-monogamous partner and I was ill at ease with our poorly defined relationship. There always seemed to be something that was going to happen eventually, but just not yet; an ever dangling carrot. I felt like I was expected to adapt or lose her, even though I’d expressed my boundaries and needs and had been promised before we arrived that I  would have if I was just patient while she spent extra time with him before we left. I put my own needs aside for months, growing resentful in the process, and when he immediately expressed a need for time with her that was more days than we’d even been in our new city together for, things really fell apart.  I’d  been waiting for what I’d been asked to have faith in and it seemed like I’d never have that. I didn’t get the support or commitment that I was promised and I felt like I was on this adventure alone. How I  handled that though, is squarely on me.
 
I played an equal part in our problems, letting my own resentments fester and grow worse, particularly with her other relationship and the ways in which her other partner crossed lines and was let off the hook for them (because she’d recently moved away from him). We only saw each other a few hours a day during the week so there was no time to talk about it then and on the weekends we had so much to do and really more than anything I  just wanted to enjoy this new city with her. I put off saying a lot of things that I needed to say and eventually the dam broke. The end of a relationship is never just one persons fault though; we were both to blame for it’s failing and I’ve been working on taking responsibility for my part, offering apologies for it where and when I  can. We are all responsible for our own happiness, but we are also responsible for the unhappiness that our actions cause others. I caused Maeve unhappiness and I have regrets about that.
 
My coping mechanism to calm down was drinking which just made me more irritable and on edge: I  was self medicating my anxiety and depression with something that caused more anxiety and depression. I’d already been giving some thought to cutting back, but that night helped me make up my mind that there was no cutting back or slowing down, or bargaining or negotiating with myself over when or how much I  would drink. I  needed to stop, step back and reassess and I couldn’t do that halfway; I  needed to abstain altogether.
 
I’m very fortunate that I  have a good support system of very understanding friends and family. I surrounded myself with the right balance of people who would give me tough love and people who would be supportive. Some of them were gentle and some of them were rough with me. You can’t work through an issue if you only see it from one perspective and I didn’t want everyone to agree with me. I wanted people who would actually help me see the situation for what it was and that’s who I surrounded myself with.
 
‘I need you’ is a sentiment that I  was never comfortable with and saying it made me feel open and exposed like a fresh wound. I  have always been comfortable being there for others, but I  didn’t want to need anyone myself. Once I  accepted that I did though, the people in my life that I  reached out to were there for me,  in the most kind and compassionate ways.  I got check in’s daily from people and support both for the breakup and the drinking and they were patient  and kind with me in a way that I wasn’t capable of being to myself. I  found myself easily moved by any act of kindness and I  realized how starved for that I’d been.
 
It wasn’t long at all before I  noticed changes in myself from giving up booze; I  lost weight, the puffiness in my face went away, the dark circles that seemed to always be under my eye started to fade and my appetite changed. My energy level increased; I started doing a lot more without it feeling so exhausting. My libido came raging back to what it had been a few months before when I’d really started to drink heavily. Things that frustrated me and made me angry or sad still managed to effect me, but decidedly less so.
 
The one thing that got worse was my sleep; I’ve always suffered from bouts of insomnia, but after giving up drinking, I realized how much I’d use booze to wear myself down. Who needs sleep though anyhow, right? All sleep does is eat into your time thinking about a breakup and we all know how productive devoting headspace to that is.

Continue reading

The In Between

This week was my first real look at what life is like after the end of my last relationship; I took a road trip alone that we’d talked about doing together. I had business in another city and since it was only a few hours away, I decided to make the drive alone. One of my coping mechanisms has always been throwing myself at work during a heartbreak and adding a trip into that seemed like a distraction big enough to keep me out of my head as much as possible. I hopped in the car on Wednesday  and threw in a couple of hours worth of introspection on the drive along the way to the tune of Johnny Cash and Elvis trying to get as much of it out of my system as I could before I got there.

During the next few days, we  worked out of their offices and we hammered out some new business together. In the evenings they took me out on the city, knowing that I’d been through a rough breakup and doing their best to cheer me up and distract me.  I was appreciative of their efforts and it really did make a difference to me, as did the change of scenery. Work kept me busy during the day and they kept me busy at night showing me different parts of the city.

We stood outside together on a rooftop bar where I  sipped Coca Cola in lieu of booze, which I gave up during the breakup. I  counted the 21 days since the last time I’d had a drink as my friends ordered another round and I  felt both comfortable and ill at ease  at the same time, constantly trying to stay in the moment and not think about Maeve or how much I’d have love to have explored the city with her. I  told myself that I just needed a little more time to be ok with it and I  more or less accepted that to be true but it didn’t make me miss her or want to have a drink any less.

We talked a lot about the adult entertainment industry (which we all work in) as the sunset painted everyones faces a rosy gold. We discussed the way that it’s changed and how so many people we know haven’t been able to make that turn with it and have been left behind. As much as I  threw myself at the conversation though, Maeve was never far from mind. They did their best to cheer me up and distract me and I’m thankful for their efforts, but it’s all still too fresh.

Time  is one of those funny things that often goes by too slowly when you are waiting and too quickly when you are holding on to something that’s slipping away. When it comes to matters of the heart, I  find that it’s very rarely on your side, so when I’ll be at peace with it is anyones guess.

I  drove home the next day, singing loudly to the radio, trying to keep focused on the future rather than on what’s past. I’ll visit again in just a few weeks and maybe I’ll be in a different frame of mind by then. For now thought,  I’m grateful for the few days of distraction, for the new memories that it’s given me and for something to look forward to.

When I got home, my roommate was practicing a song for an audition, tapping out the notes to something that was slow and maybe a little bittersweet.  I pulled out the bong that my friends had sent me home with, packed it and offered it to my roommate, who took it from me with a smile.

“What were you playing” I  asked and she told me as we passed back and forth taking hits, but the name was gone as soon as she’d said it and we both sat there quietly in the afternoon sun for a while.

I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes and she went back to tapping out the song on the keys. I  sent my wishes for the future out into the universe to the tune of ‘Hey There‘ by Rosemary Clooney and drifted off with one question on my mind:

What next?

Lost Days of Summer

That night I laid in bed, thinking of summers from my youth, of being on the lake around a bonfire on the beach when the sun went down. I remember the sky being the sort of blue that is so vibrant that it seems impossible. I remember stars and the sound of the water as it lapped at the shore and the fire reflected in the eyes of the older boy who stayed in the cabin next door every year during the same week.

I’d folded the corners of the sheet of newspaper I’d been given in on themselves and carefully pushed a toothpick through all four of them. I turned it over and set it carefully on the fire, watching it expand with hot air and fly away as it burned. We called them “Hailey’s comets”, but I’m not really sure where or when that started and I’ve never hear anyone else call them since.

Every year my family spent the same week of July in the same cottage on the lake.  I’ve never been a morning person, but walking along the beach before everyone woke was something that I enjoyed while I was there. I looked for shells along the shore as I wandered toward Turnip Rock which loomed high over head, just a few feet from the shore. If you waded in water up to your knees, you could circle it and find a place to climb. It was difficult, but with determination I  always found my way up to the top, where I’d jump off into dangerously shallow waters.

This summer my sisters went back and rented that cabin and they sent me photos of my nieces and nephews over the 4th, living the same July adventure that we’d lived all those years ago. I looked through them from thousands of miles away, where I sat in the city at a house party being held by people I didn’t really know.

I’d gone through a breakup recently and decided that I  needed to quit drinking; I’d been treating my anxiety and depression with alcohol during the last hard few months and the only thing that’s good for is more anxiety and depression, so I    called it quits and was on the lookout for any way I could possibly fill my time. The 4th of July party seemed like a good idea, but I was the only one there that was sober and playing games with people who aren’t is only fun for so long. I’d gone with a friend and she and I both quietly talked ourselves out of leaving early and with one exchange, we ducked out quietly together and headed home.

Back in my apartment, I  sat alone thinking about how I’d spent the 4th the year before at a party hosted by Maeve’s partner. We’d only just met and I’d wanted to know her so badly then. Here we are a year later and we’ve loved and I’ve lost her and I still can’t quite wrap my mind around how we ended up falling apart so quickly. The fireworks popped in the air outside and I  missed her so badly; I  would have given anything to hear from her then and I really, really wanted a drink.

I didn’t have either that night though; not a word from Maeve nor the drink and I’m not sure that I’ll ever spend any time with either again. Instead for now I’ll throw myself at work or pretty much anything else I can think of that will keep my hands busy from texting her or picking up the bottle again. I’ll write, I’ll work on things about me that need fixing and I’ll mourn the relationship; eventually I’ll get over it, because what else can you do, right?

Today though I’m daydreaming of what I’d have liked to have shared and said and done with Maeve if we’d have just made it to that cottage on the lake.

Chapters

We sat in grass in the park today, almost five years exactly from when we first met. We’ve seen each other here and there over the years in other cities and different places in our lives. Every time we meet it’s a little different, like skipping ahead in a book.

Her vanilla blonde hair is cropped short now on the back and sides and her bangs sweep across her pale blue eyes. She’s grown more into herself every time that I’ve seen her; she is still the same person at heart, but who she is now feels like the version of herself that’s taking root and flourishing. She carries herself with more confidence in who she is and what she wants for herself. 

We ate sushi beneath a giant northern red oak that was too tall to provide shade from the low hanging sun, talking about life and relationships and people. We didn’t speak much about the times that we’d spent together in the past; mostly just about where we both are now.

We commiserated a little about the different types of relationship communication pains that we’ve each been coping with and it occurred to me how similar we are in the way that we struggle with time and expectation from romantic partners.  She is a choreographer now and a dancer and she loves organized chaos; structure and freedom coming together with intent. Lead or follow; that’s the struggle that we have in common with ourselves and with those we surround ourselves with.

“I don’t want you to get ‘bad boyfriend syndrome’ when I  vent about him”, she said. I    knew just what she meant; people often take the last thing that you’ve said about your partner(s) and paint a picture with that particularly when it’s venting. We don’t often enough sing our partners praises to our friends (and other partners)  or tell friends about the easy Sunday we had with them, but instead we pick up the phone when we need someone to agree with us or understand about something that’s gone wrong. Lately I’ve found myself in a cycle cycle of venting and defending, so I    understood right away what she meant.

We left the park together and I walked her to class, were we hugged goodbye and  made promises to see each again soon. I made my way down the street alone, putting my headphones in to listen to a book as I  considered where we’d been together, where we are now and where we are headed. We are more alike each time that we see each other and in the ways that we are different, I  am reminded of why I was so taken with her when we met. This is the latest chapter in our story, but it’s certainly not the last.

Cadence Lux

Cadence
Cadence Lux at the AdultTime booth at AVN

Meeting Cadence Lux for the first time was a pretty dazzling experience. I was already a big fan of her frank weirdness and wit on Twitter. She has the type of snarky, laid-back personality that I love to be around, whether for a wild night out or an epic bitching and wine session on the couch. As it so happened, she was sipping champagne from a recent group appearance at the Vixen/Blacked/TUSHY booth at the AVN Expo when she wandered to the AdultTime booth, where I  was posted up. Cadence was flush with excitement from the hectic convention, surrounded by fans who clearly appreciate what she does- and in the midst of that hype, she was genuinely stoked to talk to me about why she loves her job.

E: Thanks for your time, I know you’re busy today! The first thing I want to know is, did you get your start in porn by seeking it out, or did you happen upon it?

CADENCE LUX: To be honest with you, I always said I wanted to shoot porn before I died. So, part of me sought it out, but it kind of fell into my lap. So I would say it’s 50/50, I always wanted to shoot porn, but it just happened to be the correct time, if that makes sense.

E: Yeah! Nice! So were you in a relationship when you started?

CL: When I started, no, I was not. I was single when I started.

E: Okay. How does non-monogamy in your professional life shape your personal relationships?

CL: Honestly, my last relationship was monogamous outside of my job. So I only had sex with other men for money, and he didn’t have sex with any other girls. It worked out great. I think it just comes down to the partner.

E: Definitely. So, how would you describe your aesthetic and how you approach sex in your scenes?

CL: I want people to fuck the soul out of me, and I want to fuck your soul. I don’t wanna lick your pussy, I want you to feel me when we leave. I want you to remember me. I don’t want some stupid bullshit girl-girl or boy-girl- like, if people don’t make eye contact with me, and fuck me the way I want, they’re on my no list. So for me, I’m a chemistry-based performer all day.

Continue reading

Non-Monogamy Q&A with Kayden Kross

As a long time adult entertainment professional, I’ve gone through different phases of monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, sometimes dictated by my work and other times as a matter of personal choice. Each of those relationships have looked a bit different and ultimately the boundaries and rules have been specific to each partner. I  decided to interview a handful of fellow adult entertainment professionals, beginning with superstar Kayden Kross, to get their take on how they balance commitment in their personal relationships and their work in adult entertainment.

Before we dive into Kayden’s answers, I wanted to take a moment to give a loose definition of non-monogamy and polyamory for those that may not be familiar. I’d also like to note that there are MANY different versions, variations, sub categories and definitions of non monogamous relationships and while I’m not going to dive into them all in this post, I have addressed some of them personally and will continue to do so in future posts and interviews.

Non-Monogamy: Sometimes referred to as ‘ethical non-monogamy’ (when everyone is honest and/or open about it), this can cover a wide number of situations, including cheating, polyamory, swinging, open relationships…pretty much anything that isn’t a traditionally monogamous relationship.

Polyamory: Like non-monogamy, this gives partners the freedom to sleep with others, but the key difference is that polyamory is a term more specific to love and long term relationships than it is sexual freedom.

I  found a post from Quora user Claire J. Vannette which it’s a pretty simple way of looking at polyamory:

If your relationship is polyamorous and open, then it’s kosher for you to take new relationships, and you may fall in love with your partners. My relationships work this way.

If your relationship is polyamorous and closed, then you have more than one partner but have agreed not to take any new ones. For example, you could have a closed triad, a group of three people who are only involved with each other and don’t get involved with anyone else.

If your relationship is open and not polyamorous, then you may take new partners, but these connections are not supposed to be romantic. Swingers often have sex outside their main relationship, but keep it casual.

If your relationship is neither open nor polyamorous, you’re probably monogamous.

I reached out to Kayden Kross, creator of Trenchcoat X first, who along with partner Manuel Ferrara are in a non-monogamous relationship. Both are long time celebrated adult entertainment performers, directors and producers (and two of my favorite people in the industry). I asked Kayden for her perspective because I’ve always appreciated the fact that she and Manuel are able to balance their personal and professional lives in a way that works for them. #relationshipgoals

Kayden Kross

1.Were you monogamous or non monogamous prior to working in adult?
I was supposed to be monogamous. I remember that much. But I tended to stray.

2. What impact has working in adult had on your relationships one way or another?
It’s forced me to focus on something beyond the sex in the relationship. I didn’t do that before adult.

3. Do you experience jealousy with partners? If so, how do you deal with it?
I do. Not sexual jealousy, per se. Attention jealousy, time jealousy. That’s been a mainstay in my relationships for a long time.

4. How do you deal with jealousy from your partners about people you work with or are otherwise involved with?
It’s a mixture of rationalizing it and trying to find the root of the problem. There’s usually something more going on by the time I begin to clearly recognize that I feel jealousy.

5. What appeals to you the most about non monogamy?
The non monotony

6. What does your ideal relationship look like?
Supportive, equally yoked, and passionate

7. How do you personally define commitment?
I think commitment is something you have when your first instinct is to fight for the relationship rather than let it wither when things get tough

8. Do you have specific boundaries in your relationship or things that you won’t do with anyone other than your primary partner?
Many

9. Do you have and/or believe in partner/relationship privilege?
Absolutely. I think it’s necessary. How that looks differs from couple to couple but if you’re not number one in some capacity then why bother?

Where can people find/follow you?
twitter @kayden_kross insta @clubkayden

**

Further Reading and Resources about Non-Monogamy

A fun map of Non-monogamy by Franklin Veaux

A fun flow chart about different types of non monogamy
Non monogamy diagram courtesy of Franklin Veaux

***

Some additional reading about non monogamy:

Seven Forms of Non Monogamy  Via Psychology Today

What is Ethical non Monogamy? By UncommonLove