Non-Monogamy Q&A with Kayden Kross

As a long time adult entertainment professional, I’ve gone through different phases of monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, sometimes dictated by my work and other times as a matter of personal choice. Each of those relationships have looked a bit different and ultimately the boundaries and rules have been specific to each partner. I  decided to

In Those Moments

In my experience when you read about poly relationships, people tend to cast it all in one light; it’s always either the greatest or the hardest thing that they’ve ever done. The truth is it’s a bit of  both and often at the same time. There is a lot of struggle but there is also a lot of reward if you can be patient even when it isn’t easy to be (and it often isn’t). Anyone that tells you that it’s easier than (or less of) a commitment than monogamy is misleading you; the struggles are different but they aren’t less and they are quite often more complicated.

We are all full of moving parts and the number of them that have to work together to keep everyone feeling fulfilled grows with each new addition to a polycule. It’s easy to think of only your own part of a relationship by default, but in order to maintain healthy boundaries and balance, you have to be aware of your needs, your partners needs and often their partners needs.

My time with Maeve has been filled with so many wonderful moments and some really difficult ones as well. Learning to balance needs and expectations in a new non-monogamous relationship has been a challenge for everyone involved and at times we’ve all alternately shined or failed. I’ve illustrated some of those moments below in hopes of giving a more balanced and realistic view of what struggles and triumphs poly life can bring.

Sitting on the floor of the hotel suite at the sex party the day we met; I wanted to kiss her on the forehead as she laid curled up in the chair falling asleep. Everyone else around us was still circling looking for sex and I just wanted to pull her up on to my lap and hold her as she dozed off. I  hadn’t slept with anyone that night and whenever she walked into the room, I  couldn’t help but look her way. This is the first moment in a long time I’d felt a real want for someone and it caught me off guard.

On our first date when she invited herself in and we fell asleep having fooled around but not fucked. The next morning we woke early and did sleep together and it was even better for having waited the night. Before she went home to Quinn I told her that I hoped that I could see her again. This is the first moment that I realized that I didn’t just want something casual with her, I wanted to date her non-monogamously.

Driving through the smokey mountains together, I told her things about myself that were deeply intimate and that some other girlfriends/partners had taken issue with in the past, particularly things about my work in adult entertainment. We talked about scenes I’d performed in and the people that I performed with and it was the first time in a long time a partner asked me questions with a sincere interest and not just morbid curiosity. This is the moment that I realized that I didn’t have to compartmentalize who I am with Maeve.

We walked through the isles of the leather shop that I’d frequented in my impressionable youth and we found a red leather posture collar with black piping on it. I told Maeve to lift her hair and turn around and when she did, I buckled the collar, making sure that it was a good fit. She turned around and I grabbed the ring, watching the flicker of  excitement crawl across her face as she looked deep into my eyes. This is the first moment that I felt like we were really committing to something long term. We’d been living in the moment up until then and spoke of future plans, but that moment felt like the promise of a tomorrow together. 

We sat there in the August warmth on a wooden bench, listening to the Celtic band playing music in the makeshift outdoor tavern. She had one foot up on the bench in front of us and when her leg poked out from beneath her dress, I ran my fingers along her soft skin. “I want to go to Edinburgh with you!” she said excitedly and I  realized that I wanted to go everywhere with her. She looked at me with those bright eyes and I thought ‘oh fuck’. This is the moment that I knew beyond a doubt that I was in love with her.

On the plane on the way home from our road trip she curled up on me and slept. I  ran my fingers through her hair and breathed her in as I  planted little kisses on the top of her head. She’d asked earlier in the day “”How are we going to make this work when we get home? We both have such busy lives!”. I’d reassured her in the moment, but holding her on the plane, I  was worried that seeing each other would be hard. She had another partner that she lived with (Quinn) and we both had a lot of travel coming up; I knew I  wanted to see her as much as I could but I wasn’t sure how much would be possible or how to reconcile that with what I    wanted from this very new relationship with her.  This is the first moment that I saw and felt the edges and limits of our relationship.

Hellos & Goodbyes

I’d slept for just a little over an hour in two days when I got home from my trip and Emma’s going away party was planned for just a few hours after my touchdown. I was in a haze as I spoke to the woman next to me on the plane, collecting my bags, as I climbed in a cab to go back to my apartment.

When I got home, I emptied my suitcase and started a load of laundry, counting the number of minutes before I’d have to leave again. I had just enough time to shut my eyes for half of an hour and laying across my bed in the afternoon sun, I fell asleep fast and hard. I hit snooze twice when my alarm went off and then forced myself out of bed and into the shower, where I found that my hot water heater was out again. The spray of cold water helped wake me up as I shivered and washed away the feeling of airports and travel.

Emma texted me that she was running late and that she’d meet me at my apartment on the way to Daniels so we could go together from there. We grabbed a cab and caught up on the way, not having seen each other in a week.

We’d been seeing each other non-monogamously for a few months and her going away party was being thrown by one of her partners; this was the first time we were to all spending time together, though I’d met Daniel on one other occasion and his partner Harper on another.

Non-Monogamy Q&A with Sailor Luna and Sofie Marie

For the second installment of my ‘Non-Monogamy Q&A‘ series with adult performers, I     interviewed Sailor Luna and Sofie Marie . Both are adult performer who you may have seen on sites like EvilAngel or Reality Junkies

Were you monogamous or non monogamous prior to working in adult?

Sailor Luna: I think before porn I was both but at different times. I’d have monogamous relationships but In between those I would sometimes have multiple partners.
Sometimes they knew of each other and others didn’t.

Sofie Marie: I was very monogamous and not that into sex, and I had had just 2 long term relationships, and literally a couple of other boyfriends I call the “3 monthers” (relationships that lasted three months). I didn’t even know what swinging was until I met the man that I am now married to now! Now I love sex, and I have had a “few” more partners!

What impact has working in adult had on your relationships one way or another?

Sailor Luna: It’s affected a lot of my relationships but not always negatively. The people I least expected to left me high and dry and others were just really cruel. So now my romantic partners are in the adult industry and I have good friends inside and outside the industry that genuinely love me. I’m lucky enough to have a good relationship with my parents and extended family
But only my parents know about my career choice. We talk everyday.

Sofie Marie: My husband has been in the “lifestyle” (swinging) for many years, and we
took my sexual exploration and discovery really slowly, at my pace. By the time I decided to start doing adult, I had been a bikini model… then nude model, and a sometime swinger. So I would have to say, doing adult has had no change in my attitude or relationship at all, except to make it all more fun!

Do you experience jealousy with partners? If so, how do you deal with it?

Sailor Luna: Actually it probably sounds like a lie but I don’t have to deal with too much jealousy at all, it mostly comes from me but I don’t really act on it. I just feel it and let it go. I’m really happy with the roughly two partners I have now.

Sofie Marie: My husband taught me that jealousy is a feeling, based upon our own insecurities, not the other person’s behavior. I have no need for jealousy in our relationship. Since my marriage is rock solid and we respect and love each other; so sex can be just sex!

How do you deal with jealousy from your partners about people you work with or are otherwise involved with?

Sailor Luna: They are both really cool and we all I think kind of do our own thing to an extent so there’s a lot of independence. However I feel very close to both of them and other “less serious” partners i have.

Sofie Marie: We don’t seem to have a “jealousy” issue in my adult work, but I do see jealousy in the swinger community, and we shy away from all of that drama.

What appeals to you the most about non monogamy?

Sailor Luna: That I am not putting all of my needs on to one person. I have a lot of feelings and issues, it can be super overwhelming and I think I’m doing everyone a favor by talking about with a lot of my friends.

Sofie Marie: The adventure and variety force me to experience new and sometimes
uncomfortable things, and those experiences have made me grow as a person, lover, partner, and performer. I have to get out of my sweats into lingerie! I love my job and it requires LOTS of partners!!

 

What does your ideal relationship look like?

Sailor Luna: I guess my ideal relationship is the one I have now maybe? I am in an open relationship with two people and one of them lives out of town so that’s easy for me to give him my attention when we are together because it doesn’t happen often. My other main partner lives near me and we see each other almost every day and he’s really just easy going. I let him know he’s free to do as he wants and i wouldn’t be mad. He tells me when he fools around with other girls off camera or when they go out. It’s nice really because then I can get to know a girl and maybe even make friends, i know his needs are being met, he’s happy and satisfied with his life, his career. He is making friends and other healthy relationships that will make him feel loved and cared for etc. etc. I suppose anyone else outside of that is just very casual and not really a “relationship” and mostly just friends or “fuck buddies”.
Another ideal relationship would be to have a girlfriend as my main partner and then we could both fuck other men and women, together or alone. Everyone I am with is free to make as many relationships as they want, serious or not serious. As long as they are happy and taken care of, I am happy.

The Roads We Travel

We drove east through the Smokies, the sun bleeding out over the top of the trees as it sank slowly on that August afternoon. Maeve sat next to me and I slipped my fingers under her dress and behind the rope that I’d tied between her legs, giving it a gentle pull. Her mouth fell open as the rope tightened and the knot that I’d made rubbed against her pussy over her pink panties. She sat back against the seat and spread her legs for me as she looked a little bashfully at the cars passing around us.

That morning before we’d left the motel, I’d tied the rope around her waist and between her legs while she smiled at me, happy about it and proud of it. We’d driven for miles that way and I knew that she wanted to be played with. When we stopped at a rest stop, she snapped a picture of herself, tucking that moment away for later. Back in the car we kissed and it made me want her so badly, just as it always does.

We rolled through the mountains and I kept one hand on the wheel using the other to tease and torment her, pulling at the rope between her legs and running my fingers over the outline of her sex as I felt her starting to soak through her panties. I reached into the bag behind my seat and pulled out the vibrating wand; her smile widening when she saw it. I turned it on and pressed it against the rope between her legs, watching her eyes fall shut.

Cars and trucks passed us as I ran the vibrator across the rope. She leaned against the window and gripped the seat, spreading her legs in want and raising herself up when I teased her by pulling the vibrator a little out of reach.

“Can I please come” she asked and I said nothing.

“Please” she asked again, with a growing urgency in her voice.

Maeve isn’t allowed to come without permission and I like to take her as close as possible to breaking the rule as I can before I give it to her. 

“Please may I come!” She said a third time.

“Come for me now” I  said to her and she moaned, letting go of the orgasm she’d been barely keeping at bay, sinking into the seat.

She leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder, wrapping both of her arms around one of mine. I could smell the wind in her hair when I kissed the top of her head and I could feel her smile grow as she pressed her lips to my skin.

I reveled in the feeling of that new relationship taking shape as we continued east through the mountains. Everything felt natural with Maeve, even the spur of the moment road trip that we were on. We’d only been on a handful of dates when I  brought up the potential of taking it myself.

“Do you want a road trip buddy?” she’d asked and I could feel myself falling fast, having already contemplated asking her to come with. We pulled the trip together in a very short amount of time and having her there with me on a road in the middle of nowhere felt like a lucid dream.

We rolled on through the mountains, listening to Holly Randall’s podcast about adult entertainment as the day faded away. Under a clear nights sky, we told stories and held hands, playing each other music and sometimes singing along to the radio.

It’d been a long time since anyone made me feel anything other than passing fascination and I wasn’t expecting how quickly and heavily I was falling for Maeve. There were plenty of times when my head told my heart to slow down, but my heart’s never been the reasonable type.

It’d also been a while since I’d seen anyone non-monogamously. It was taking some getting used to, to feel like I wasn’t asking too much too soon. In the moments when I pulled back a little because of that, Maeve was there to pull me forward again.

10 Questions With Abella Danger

Abella Danger for LesbianX.com

1. How long have you been in the industry? I shot my first scene in July 2014, I shot five from July to August just with my ex boyfriend then in September of that year I became a Spiegler girl and officially started shooting every day consistently.

2. What sites would we most likely know you from? I mean, besides being the AVN Best New Starlet of 2017? I would say Girlsway, PureTaboo, Hard X, EvilAngel, and JulesJordan .

3. Was porn an industry you sought out, or did you happen upon it?
Porn definitely found me haha, but it was an instant match

4. Were you in a relationship when you started?
Yes, the person I shot my first five scenes with was my boyfriend at the time of filming and before I ever shot.

5. How does the fact that being non-monogamous is part of the territory for work in adult entertainment factor into your relationships?
It actually limited my choices a lot, most men (at least the ones I’ve met) have found it almost impossible to fathom the idea of other men inside me multiple times a week, especially knowing how much I genuinely do enjoy it. It’s almost hard for them to want to deal with because so many woman exist in the world who would never put them in such a predicament. But then again I’m not a man so I don’t know, I barely understand myself sometimes.

Amidst the Flowers

 That night the flowers bloomed. The landlord told me they were called ‘night blooming ceres’ (Queen of the Night) and he’d been waiting patiently for the night to come in which they would open. They grew in the courtyard behind my apartment on Esplanade and opened in the early days of October; true to their