Ethics & Non Monogamy

As an on again, off again practitioner of Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM) for more than 15 years now, I’m in the habit of revisiting my thoughts and feelings on non monogamy and it’s place in my life between relationships. It’s part of my process when starting or ending any relationship to dive into what worked for me and what didn’t, as well as what I’d like for myself from future relationships. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought recently as in June  a primary relationship ended.  I find myself considering both the arguments for and against continuing the pursuit of non monogamous relationships and what you see here is opinion not gospel.  It’s not my goal to be another one of those ENM blogs that pretends to have all the answers; this is just how I  see things.

I see people struggle with the ethical part of ENM more often than the non monogamy aspect itself.  When we break down boundaries with sex, it feels natural that other boundaries will fall away as well, but that only happens when everything is communicated honestly and everyone agrees to respect the same boundaries. When you treat that “E” as ‘entitled to do what I want’, you burn relationships and people out because no one can ever get a proper footing on where they stand; the result is often one person or the other pulling back or full retreat.

The ethical part of ENM is very much about communication, boundaries and expectations. Those things can evolve in relationships and ENM provides an opportunity to ride those changes out to a better relationship, but that can only happen with clear, honest communication. Some people will tell you that having expectations for others is a way to be disappointed but without some level of expectation, you wouldn’t have commitment either. It’s an altruistic idea that on paper seems logical and safe; ‘don’t expect anything from anyone and everyone will be happier!’. Humans by nature love and have the desire to be loved, so it’s in us to want and also to want to be wanted. I’m always wary when people tell say never to expect anything of others; what they are (often) telling you is they don’t want you to expect anything from them.

Not every ENM relationship will be earth shatteringly deep, but the practice of impermanence in relationships can  be a trap. It tells you things won’t last and so you shouldn’t invest yourself fully, but your relationship is limited by what you put into it. This is where I  see most ENM relationships falter; everything fades because someone limits the depth of connection when they don’t find fulfillment on some front in current relationships and instead of fostering it with who they are with, quickly look to seek it elsewhere. People chase  new relationship energy rather than working on the connections that they have.

Making something work doesn’t bring the same feeling as starting something new, so it’s easier to chase after an aspect of a relationship that you are presently lacking with someone new and wrap yourself up in the shiny  feeling of fullfilment that comes with it, rather than go to a partner and say ‘Hey, this is something that I need’.

Telling your partner that you need something feels scary for so many reasons: it puts expectation on them, they might say no or they might not be able to give it to you. This is where ENM can derail a relationship because instead of fixing it, many people take a ‘find it someplace else’ approach. This can lead to withholding, which can be both manipulative and dishonest but in a prettier, less guilt inspiring package. Not telling a partner what you want means that you never risk not getting it; it also deprives you both of an opportunity for growth in connection if you did have the guts to communicate your needs.

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Tough Love

In less than 24 hours, I  spent time with two out of state friends who were catching up on what’s been going on with me in the six weeks since I stopped drinking and went through the breakup. Their approach and their advice was very different and one of those situations may have ultimately killedpppp a friendship.
”I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I feel like you need to so I hope you’ll let me say this once and you keep in mind that I support you no matter what. You were miserable waiting all that time for all the stuff she promised and I don’t think you’ll ever have any kind of relationship or friendship with her that will be fair to you. She’s being really unfair to you right now and it hurts me to watch it happening. You deserve better and I want better for you” Rowan said, as I sat quietly listening.
 
Rowan is my one of  best friends and she came to visit me the day I got after I got back from my road trip. She’d booked a flight out with another close friend, who ended up having to cancel last minute and the two of us hit the city as soon as she landed. Rowan is someone that’s been with me through all of the relationship struggles with Maeve and who has always been supportive of me trying to work on things. This was a little bit of a departure from her typically gentle and advice-free support and I listened carefully. She told me that she liked Maeve, that everyone we knew liked her, but that they all saw how unhappy I was, when I should have been excited about moving to New York with her. Our friends group thought that I was giving up too much to be with her and didn’t feel like she was ready to be able to do what it would take to meet me halfway. They all worried about me, wishing me well when I left  but also passed along some ‘I told you so’s’ via the friend that was visiting.
 
It was our only serious moment on the trip, but it left a mark; what did they all see that I hadn’t? Or had I  seen it and just looked past it in the name of hope and love?
 
“You’ve given someone a power over you to make you feel like it’s all your fault and you need to take that back, because it’s not. You are a really great person and yeah, we all make mistakes, but if she can’t admit her own faults, she can just pretend like all of them are yours. Stop letting her do that to you. It can’t be worth it” pleaded Rowan.

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Chapters

We sat in grass in the park today, almost five years exactly from when we first met. We’ve seen each other here and there over the years in other cities and different places in our lives. Every time we meet it’s a little different, like skipping ahead in a book.

Her vanilla blonde hair is cropped short now on the back and sides and her bangs sweep across her pale blue eyes. She’s grown more into herself every time that I’ve seen her; she is still the same person at heart, but who she is now feels like the version of herself that’s taking root and flourishing. She carries herself with more confidence in who she is and what she wants for herself. 

We ate sushi beneath a giant northern red oak that was too tall to provide shade from the low hanging sun, talking about life and relationships and people. We didn’t speak much about the times that we’d spent together in the past; mostly just about where we both are now.

We commiserated a little about the different types of relationship communication pains that we’ve each been coping with and it occurred to me how similar we are in the way that we struggle with time and expectation from romantic partners.  She is a choreographer now and a dancer and she loves organized chaos; structure and freedom coming together with intent. Lead or follow; that’s the struggle that we have in common with ourselves and with those we surround ourselves with.

“I don’t want you to get ‘bad boyfriend syndrome’ when I  vent about him”, she said. I    knew just what she meant; people often take the last thing that you’ve said about your partner(s) and paint a picture with that particularly when it’s venting. We don’t often enough sing our partners praises to our friends (and other partners)  or tell friends about the easy Sunday we had with them, but instead we pick up the phone when we need someone to agree with us or understand about something that’s gone wrong. Lately I’ve found myself in a cycle cycle of venting and defending, so I    understood right away what she meant.

We left the park together and I walked her to class, were we hugged goodbye and  made promises to see each again soon. I made my way down the street alone, putting my headphones in to listen to a book as I  considered where we’d been together, where we are now and where we are headed. We are more alike each time that we see each other and in the ways that we are different, I  am reminded of why I was so taken with her when we met. This is the latest chapter in our story, but it’s certainly not the last.

Cadence Lux

Cadence
Cadence Lux at the AdultTime booth at AVN

Meeting Cadence Lux for the first time was a pretty dazzling experience. I was already a big fan of her frank weirdness and wit on Twitter. She has the type of snarky, laid-back personality that I love to be around, whether for a wild night out or an epic bitching and wine session on the couch. As it so happened, she was sipping champagne from a recent group appearance at the Vixen/Blacked/TUSHY booth at the AVN Expo when she wandered to the AdultTime booth, where I  was posted up. Cadence was flush with excitement from the hectic convention, surrounded by fans who clearly appreciate what she does- and in the midst of that hype, she was genuinely stoked to talk to me about why she loves her job.

E: Thanks for your time, I know you’re busy today! The first thing I want to know is, did you get your start in porn by seeking it out, or did you happen upon it?

CADENCE LUX: To be honest with you, I always said I wanted to shoot porn before I died. So, part of me sought it out, but it kind of fell into my lap. So I would say it’s 50/50, I always wanted to shoot porn, but it just happened to be the correct time, if that makes sense.

E: Yeah! Nice! So were you in a relationship when you started?

CL: When I started, no, I was not. I was single when I started.

E: Okay. How does non-monogamy in your professional life shape your personal relationships?

CL: Honestly, my last relationship was monogamous outside of my job. So I only had sex with other men for money, and he didn’t have sex with any other girls. It worked out great. I think it just comes down to the partner.

E: Definitely. So, how would you describe your aesthetic and how you approach sex in your scenes?

CL: I want people to fuck the soul out of me, and I want to fuck your soul. I don’t wanna lick your pussy, I want you to feel me when we leave. I want you to remember me. I don’t want some stupid bullshit girl-girl or boy-girl- like, if people don’t make eye contact with me, and fuck me the way I want, they’re on my no list. So for me, I’m a chemistry-based performer all day.

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Non-Monogamy Q&A with Kayden Kross

As a long time adult entertainment professional, I’ve gone through different phases of monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, sometimes dictated by my work and other times as a matter of personal choice. Each of those relationships have looked a bit different and ultimately the boundaries and rules have been specific to each partner. I  decided to interview a handful of fellow adult entertainment professionals, beginning with superstar Kayden Kross, to get their take on how they balance commitment in their personal relationships and their work in adult entertainment.

Before we dive into Kayden’s answers, I wanted to take a moment to give a loose definition of non-monogamy and polyamory for those that may not be familiar. I’d also like to note that there are MANY different versions, variations, sub categories and definitions of non monogamous relationships and while I’m not going to dive into them all in this post, I have addressed some of them personally and will continue to do so in future posts and interviews.

Non-Monogamy: Sometimes referred to as ‘ethical non-monogamy’ (when everyone is honest and/or open about it), this can cover a wide number of situations, including cheating, polyamory, swinging, open relationships…pretty much anything that isn’t a traditionally monogamous relationship.

Polyamory: Like non-monogamy, this gives partners the freedom to sleep with others, but the key difference is that polyamory is a term more specific to love and long term relationships than it is sexual freedom.

I  found a post from Quora user Claire J. Vannette which it’s a pretty simple way of looking at polyamory:

If your relationship is polyamorous and open, then it’s kosher for you to take new relationships, and you may fall in love with your partners. My relationships work this way.

If your relationship is polyamorous and closed, then you have more than one partner but have agreed not to take any new ones. For example, you could have a closed triad, a group of three people who are only involved with each other and don’t get involved with anyone else.

If your relationship is open and not polyamorous, then you may take new partners, but these connections are not supposed to be romantic. Swingers often have sex outside their main relationship, but keep it casual.

If your relationship is neither open nor polyamorous, you’re probably monogamous.

I reached out to Kayden Kross, creator of Trenchcoat X first, who along with partner Manuel Ferrara are in a non-monogamous relationship. Both are long time celebrated adult entertainment performers, directors and producers (and two of my favorite people in the industry). I asked Kayden for her perspective because I’ve always appreciated the fact that she and Manuel are able to balance their personal and professional lives in a way that works for them. #relationshipgoals

Kayden Kross

1.Were you monogamous or non monogamous prior to working in adult?
I was supposed to be monogamous. I remember that much. But I tended to stray.

2. What impact has working in adult had on your relationships one way or another?
It’s forced me to focus on something beyond the sex in the relationship. I didn’t do that before adult.

3. Do you experience jealousy with partners? If so, how do you deal with it?
I do. Not sexual jealousy, per se. Attention jealousy, time jealousy. That’s been a mainstay in my relationships for a long time.

4. How do you deal with jealousy from your partners about people you work with or are otherwise involved with?
It’s a mixture of rationalizing it and trying to find the root of the problem. There’s usually something more going on by the time I begin to clearly recognize that I feel jealousy.

5. What appeals to you the most about non monogamy?
The non monotony

6. What does your ideal relationship look like?
Supportive, equally yoked, and passionate

7. How do you personally define commitment?
I think commitment is something you have when your first instinct is to fight for the relationship rather than let it wither when things get tough

8. Do you have specific boundaries in your relationship or things that you won’t do with anyone other than your primary partner?
Many

9. Do you have and/or believe in partner/relationship privilege?
Absolutely. I think it’s necessary. How that looks differs from couple to couple but if you’re not number one in some capacity then why bother?

Where can people find/follow you?
twitter @kayden_kross insta @clubkayden

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Further Reading and Resources about Non-Monogamy

A fun map of Non-monogamy by Franklin Veaux

A fun flow chart about different types of non monogamy
Non monogamy diagram courtesy of Franklin Veaux

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Some additional reading about non monogamy:

Seven Forms of Non Monogamy  Via Psychology Today

What is Ethical non Monogamy? By UncommonLove

In Those Moments

In my experience when you read about poly relationships, people tend to cast it all in one light; it’s always either the greatest or the hardest thing that they’ve ever done. The truth is it’s a bit of  both and often at the same time. There is a lot of struggle but there is also a lot of reward if you can be patient even when it isn’t easy to be (and it often isn’t). Anyone that tells you that it’s easier than (or less of) a commitment than monogamy is misleading you; the struggles are different but they aren’t less and they are quite often more complicated.

We are all full of moving parts and the number of them that have to work together to keep everyone feeling fulfilled grows with each new addition to a polycule. It’s easy to think of only your own part of a relationship by default, but in order to maintain healthy boundaries and balance, you have to be aware of your needs, your partners needs and often their partners needs.

My time with Maeve has been filled with so many wonderful moments and some really difficult ones as well. Learning to balance needs and expectations in a new non-monogamous relationship has been a challenge for everyone involved and at times we’ve all alternately shined or failed. I’ve illustrated some of those moments below in hopes of giving a more balanced and realistic view of what struggles and triumphs poly life can bring.

Sitting on the floor of the hotel suite at the sex party the day we met; I wanted to kiss her on the forehead as she laid curled up in the chair falling asleep. Everyone else around us was still circling looking for sex and I just wanted to pull her up on to my lap and hold her as she dozed off. I  hadn’t slept with anyone that night and whenever she walked into the room, I  couldn’t help but look her way. This is the first moment in a long time I’d felt a real want for someone and it caught me off guard.

On our first date when she invited herself in and we fell asleep having fooled around but not fucked. The next morning we woke early and did sleep together and it was even better for having waited the night. Before she went home to Quinn I told her that I hoped that I could see her again. This is the first moment that I realized that I didn’t just want something casual with her, I wanted to date her non-monogamously.

Driving through the smokey mountains together, I told her things about myself that were deeply intimate and that some other girlfriends/partners had taken issue with in the past, particularly things about my work in adult entertainment. We talked about scenes I’d performed in and the people that I performed with and it was the first time in a long time a partner asked me questions with a sincere interest and not just morbid curiosity. This is the moment that I realized that I didn’t have to compartmentalize who I am with Maeve.

We walked through the isles of the leather shop that I’d frequented in my impressionable youth and we found a red leather posture collar with black piping on it. I told Maeve to lift her hair and turn around and when she did, I buckled the collar, making sure that it was a good fit. She turned around and I grabbed the ring, watching the flicker of  excitement crawl across her face as she looked deep into my eyes. This is the first moment that I felt like we were really committing to something long term. We’d been living in the moment up until then and spoke of future plans, but that moment felt like the promise of a tomorrow together. 

We sat there in the August warmth on a wooden bench, listening to the Celtic band playing music in the makeshift outdoor tavern. She had one foot up on the bench in front of us and when her leg poked out from beneath her dress, I ran my fingers along her soft skin. “I want to go to Edinburgh with you!” she said excitedly and I  realized that I wanted to go everywhere with her. She looked at me with those bright eyes and I thought ‘oh fuck’. This is the moment that I knew beyond a doubt that I was in love with her.

On the plane on the way home from our road trip she curled up on me and slept. I  ran my fingers through her hair and breathed her in as I  planted little kisses on the top of her head. She’d asked earlier in the day “”How are we going to make this work when we get home? We both have such busy lives!”. I’d reassured her in the moment, but holding her on the plane, I  was worried that seeing each other would be hard. She had another partner that she lived with (Quinn) and we both had a lot of travel coming up; I knew I  wanted to see her as much as I could but I wasn’t sure how much would be possible or how to reconcile that with what I    wanted from this very new relationship with her.  This is the first moment that I saw and felt the edges and limits of our relationship.

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The Roads We Travel

We drove east through the Smokies, the sun bleeding out over the top of the trees as it sank slowly on that August afternoon. Maeve sat next to me and I slipped my fingers under her dress and behind the rope that I’d tied between her legs, giving it a gentle pull. Her mouth fell open as the rope tightened and the knot that I’d made rubbed against her pussy over her pink panties. She sat back against the seat and spread her legs for me as she looked a little bashfully at the cars passing around us.

That morning before we’d left the motel, I’d tied the rope around her waist and between her legs while she smiled at me, happy about it and proud of it. We’d driven for miles that way and I knew that she wanted to be played with. When we stopped at a rest stop, she snapped a picture of herself, tucking that moment away for later. Back in the car we kissed and it made me want her so badly, just as it always does.

We rolled through the mountains and I kept one hand on the wheel using the other to tease and torment her, pulling at the rope between her legs and running my fingers over the outline of her sex as I felt her starting to soak through her panties. I reached into the bag behind my seat and pulled out the vibrating wand; her smile widening when she saw it. I turned it on and pressed it against the rope between her legs, watching her eyes fall shut.

Cars and trucks passed us as I ran the vibrator across the rope. She leaned against the window and gripped the seat, spreading her legs in want and raising herself up when I teased her by pulling the vibrator a little out of reach.

“Can I please come” she asked and I said nothing.

“Please” she asked again, with a growing urgency in her voice.

Maeve isn’t allowed to come without permission and I like to take her as close as possible to breaking the rule as I can before I give it to her. 

“Please may I come!” She said a third time.

“Come for me now” I  said to her and she moaned, letting go of the orgasm she’d been barely keeping at bay, sinking into the seat.

She leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder, wrapping both of her arms around one of mine. I could smell the wind in her hair when I kissed the top of her head and I could feel her smile grow as she pressed her lips to my skin.

I reveled in the feeling of that new relationship taking shape as we continued east through the mountains. Everything felt natural with Maeve, even the spur of the moment road trip that we were on. We’d only been on a handful of dates when I  brought up the potential of taking it myself.

“Do you want a road trip buddy?” she’d asked and I could feel myself falling fast, having already contemplated asking her to come with. We pulled the trip together in a very short amount of time and having her there with me on a road in the middle of nowhere felt like a lucid dream.

We rolled on through the mountains, listening to Holly Randall’s podcast about adult entertainment as the day faded away. Under a clear nights sky, we told stories and held hands, playing each other music and sometimes singing along to the radio.

It’d been a long time since anyone made me feel anything other than passing fascination and I wasn’t expecting how quickly and heavily I was falling for Maeve. There were plenty of times when my head told my heart to slow down, but my heart’s never been the reasonable type.

It’d also been a while since I’d seen anyone non-monogamously. It was taking some getting used to, to feel like I wasn’t asking too much too soon. In the moments when I pulled back a little because of that, Maeve was there to pull me forward again.

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When You Wake

She picked me up from the airport on a scorching Friday afternoon. My flight was delayed by a day returning from a work trip and when she offered for a second time to come and pick me up at the airport, I’d accepted.

She threw her arms around me and I  wrapped mine around her waist, burying my face into her neck as I squeezed just a little too tightly. I breathed her in and she smelled like summer and happiness and a little bit of longing. Cars passed all around us and people rushed past us at the end of their own trips, but none of that mattered when I  held her in my arms and kissed her the kiss I’d been waiting for days for.

The ride back to the city was one that I’d taken plenty of times, but I can’t recall a detail about anything that we passed that day because I was too caught up in the happiness of just being close to her. We talked while she drove and I ran my fingers over her legs as I looked at her and reveled in how fortunate I was to be with her. I  watched the effect of my touch as my fingers ran across her pale skin, up under the edge of her shorts, touching the fabric of her panties.She had me in a perpetual state of wanting and I had to slow my hands, my mouth, my words from raging like a wildfire when I was near her because I wanted her, again and again and always.

We hadn’t known each other for very long then, but I’d felt that longing viscerally the moment that I laid eyes on her. It caught me off guard and I didn’t know what to do with it at first because I remembered suddenly what it was like to want and it felt like suddenly catching ahold of a piece of a dream that you’d forgotten you had.

The first time that I met her, she’d come to the apartment that I was staying in with the friend that I was renting it from. I opened the door to greet Quinn expecting him to be alone, but when he stepped aside I saw her framed in the doorway with the midday sun shining behind her. He introduced me to her as his girlfriend Maeve as she glided into the apartment and melted into the couch, peeking up at us every now and then over her phone as we talked.

I  can picture the angle of her legs as she sat there and remember how differently the room felt with the two of them in it.

Just a moment before it had been a quiet, sleepy place and now every time either of them moved I felt a rumble run through me like thunder rolling in from a distance on a hot August afternoon.

Quinn had lived there with his wife Fiona and now the lot of them lived together with one other person in an open home. They’d all shared time together in the apartment we were standing in and while they were all ever present there, but I’d never felt it as acutely as I did just then.I felt for a moment like I was trespassing in Quinn’s life; sleeping in his bed at night and then this immediate and intense attraction to Maeve.

I’d known Quinn for years and we’d shared enough between us that it was foolish to feel that way, but as it stood it would take some time of thinking about it (and seeing her with him again) before I asked for his blessing to see her. He stopped by to get the mail one day and as he walked down the steps to go, I  pulled the trigger and asked if he would be ok with it, ready to respect his wishes if he said no. He came back up and gave me a hug and said yes, laying those fears to rest. Still, I thought about it for almost a week before I reached out to her.

I added her on Facebook and sent her a message, feeling like I was asking for a first date a second time after having asked Quinn’s permission to do so. She responded a few hours later and by the end of the week, we met for dinner for the first time.

She met me at Quinn’s old apartment and we took a car service from there to one of her favorite places, which was on the other side of town. When I opened the car door to let Maeve in, we noticed the beadwork that covered every inch of the interior and the drivers pride in it set an fun tone to the ride over.He drove erratically, looking back over his shoulder at us as he raced us toward our destination and complained about how no one in this state knows how to drive. All the chaos was somehow all very amusing with Maeve beside me.

The sun was still high in the summer sky when we took our seat inside the restaurant: it still felt a little surreal to be there with her.Looking across the table at her I felt incredibly fortunate to be with her; I looked into her bright, shiny eyes and I felt like I could get lost in them for the rest of my life. When she smiled her warm smile her eyes smiled too and again she was almost too beautiful for me to look at.

The conversation over dinner took all kinds of twists and turns and the more I got to see of her, the more fascinated I was by her She’s smart and thoughtful and caring, but there is a dirty side to her that’s hard to see through her shine, but in those moments that she showed it to me, it made me want her even more.

She has a kind of innocent shine about her that she sometimes likes to smudge by saying fantastically filthy things. She can look at you with a sweet smile and tell you things that she wants you to do to her and even if you’ve never considered those things before, you want to do every single one of them to her, for her, with her.

We talked about sex parties and movies and what it was like growing up and every story brought me closer to the picture of who she was. The way that she looked at me made me want to kiss her and as we paid the bill, I hoped that when the moment came she would let me.

We took another car back to my apartment and I  considered just how to ask her to come inside but when we arrived she climbed the steps to the door without a word. We sat on the couch and talked for a while before I asked her what she wanted to do. She smiled at me with and I knew what she would say before she said it, but I wanted to hear it.

“I was hoping you would tie me up”, she said.
This is something that we’d talked about late at night at a party, the second time that I ever met her.She sat on the floor next to me, wearing knee high white wool socks and I kept wanting to touch her legs as I  buzzed from champagne and the hum of sex happening all around us. We were feet away from where people into the bathtub when she asked me what my thing was, what I was into.

“Rope” I said as she smiled at me. “Doing the tying, more specifically”

“You should bring some the next time we have a party. There is always a line for a good rope top” she said and I had the feeling then that I would get my chance with her and that night of our first date was when it presented itself.

I  undressed her in the bedroom, taking in the site of her soft slender body, noting the curve of her hips and the proportion of them to her tiny waist. Her tiny pink nipples were hard and her lips parted as I wrapped the rope around her wrists.I traced my fingers over her collar bones and breasts, down across her hips and between her legs where I could feel the slickness forming even through the fabric. Turning her around, I bent her over the bed and pulled her panties down slowly.My eyes ran over the curve of her ass, down to her legs, loving the way she looked as she flexed up on to her toes so that I could pull her panties the rest of the way off.

The little moans that she made as I ran my hand between her legs were beautiful, as were the gasps when I  brought a hand down on her ass.I loved leaving my print on her pale skin while alternating between making her focus on the fingers sliding inside of her and the firm hand coming down on her ass. I  waited until I  saw her knees begin to go weak and I  turned her around and pushed her up onto the bed, watching her as she slipped into that headspace where all you can do is wait for what comes next and want.

Kissing my way down her inner thighs I breathed in the smell of her skin and her sex. I teased her with the gentle trace of my mouth across the soft, fine hair that covered her pussy before pressing a kiss that sent a shudder through her body.I  pressed deep into her as I  lifted her up and buried my mouth into her, losing myself in the taste of her, in the smell of her, in the sounds she made as I ran my tongue over her again and again. She arched her back and pressed herself into me as she gushed into my mouth and then slowly collapsed down onto my bed, on his bed, on their bed. I kissed her, cradling her against me as she tasted herself on my lips.

That night she fell asleep curled up in my arms and we woke later in the night to fuck for the first time.We drifted in an out of a dreamlike state of touching and kissing and fucking all night long and in the in-between we slept soundly, tangled up in one another. In the morning, I was drunk on the taste of her and high on the smell of her and I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed with her all day. This is the first time that I realized she was an addiction and that I would have a hard time breaking myself of it, if I could ever even see fit to try. When she finally had to leave I was already thinking of when I might be able to see her again; it’s safe to say that she was already under my skin.

When she offered to pick me up from the airport, I hesitated at first. Not because I didn’t want her to, but because I really did and I needed to consider what that meant.

‘Be careful’ I thought, but I didn’t listen to myself.

‘Go slow’ I said to myself, but I didn’t know how to with her.

When we got back to my apartment, I unloaded my bag from the trunk and she sheepishly said goodbye.

Aren’t you coming inside?” I asked.

I didn’t want to assume…” she replied, but we both knew exactly where we wanted to be.