Non-Monogamy Q&A with Sailor Luna and Sofie Marie

For the second installment of my ‘Non-Monogamy Q&A‘ series with adult performers, I     interviewed Sailor Luna and Sofie Marie . Both are adult performer who you may have seen on sites like EvilAngel or Reality Junkies

Were you monogamous or non monogamous prior to working in adult?

Sailor Luna: I think before porn I was both but at different times. I’d have monogamous relationships but In between those I would sometimes have multiple partners.
Sometimes they knew of each other and others didn’t.

Sofie Marie: I was very monogamous and not that into sex, and I had had just 2 long term relationships, and literally a couple of other boyfriends I call the “3 monthers” (relationships that lasted three months). I didn’t even know what swinging was until I met the man that I am now married to now! Now I love sex, and I have had a “few” more partners!

What impact has working in adult had on your relationships one way or another?

Sailor Luna: It’s affected a lot of my relationships but not always negatively. The people I least expected to left me high and dry and others were just really cruel. So now my romantic partners are in the adult industry and I have good friends inside and outside the industry that genuinely love me. I’m lucky enough to have a good relationship with my parents and extended family
But only my parents know about my career choice. We talk everyday.

Sofie Marie: My husband has been in the “lifestyle” (swinging) for many years, and we
took my sexual exploration and discovery really slowly, at my pace. By the time I decided to start doing adult, I had been a bikini model… then nude model, and a sometime swinger. So I would have to say, doing adult has had no change in my attitude or relationship at all, except to make it all more fun!

Do you experience jealousy with partners? If so, how do you deal with it?

Sailor Luna: Actually it probably sounds like a lie but I don’t have to deal with too much jealousy at all, it mostly comes from me but I don’t really act on it. I just feel it and let it go. I’m really happy with the roughly two partners I have now.

Sofie Marie: My husband taught me that jealousy is a feeling, based upon our own insecurities, not the other person’s behavior. I have no need for jealousy in our relationship. Since my marriage is rock solid and we respect and love each other; so sex can be just sex!

How do you deal with jealousy from your partners about people you work with or are otherwise involved with?

Sailor Luna: They are both really cool and we all I think kind of do our own thing to an extent so there’s a lot of independence. However I feel very close to both of them and other “less serious” partners i have.

Sofie Marie: We don’t seem to have a “jealousy” issue in my adult work, but I do see jealousy in the swinger community, and we shy away from all of that drama.

What appeals to you the most about non monogamy?

Sailor Luna: That I am not putting all of my needs on to one person. I have a lot of feelings and issues, it can be super overwhelming and I think I’m doing everyone a favor by talking about with a lot of my friends.

Sofie Marie: The adventure and variety force me to experience new and sometimes
uncomfortable things, and those experiences have made me grow as a person, lover, partner, and performer. I have to get out of my sweats into lingerie! I love my job and it requires LOTS of partners!!

 

What does your ideal relationship look like?

Sailor Luna: I guess my ideal relationship is the one I have now maybe? I am in an open relationship with two people and one of them lives out of town so that’s easy for me to give him my attention when we are together because it doesn’t happen often. My other main partner lives near me and we see each other almost every day and he’s really just easy going. I let him know he’s free to do as he wants and i wouldn’t be mad. He tells me when he fools around with other girls off camera or when they go out. It’s nice really because then I can get to know a girl and maybe even make friends, i know his needs are being met, he’s happy and satisfied with his life, his career. He is making friends and other healthy relationships that will make him feel loved and cared for etc. etc. I suppose anyone else outside of that is just very casual and not really a “relationship” and mostly just friends or “fuck buddies”.
Another ideal relationship would be to have a girlfriend as my main partner and then we could both fuck other men and women, together or alone. Everyone I am with is free to make as many relationships as they want, serious or not serious. As long as they are happy and taken care of, I am happy.

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Non-Monogamy Q&A with Kayden Kross

As a long time adult entertainment professional, I’ve gone through different phases of monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, sometimes dictated by my work and other times as a matter of personal choice. Each of those relationships have looked a bit different and ultimately the boundaries and rules have been specific to each partner. I  decided to interview a handful of fellow adult entertainment professionals, beginning with superstar Kayden Kross, to get their take on how they balance commitment in their personal relationships and their work in adult entertainment.

Before we dive into Kayden’s answers, I wanted to take a moment to give a loose definition of non-monogamy and polyamory for those that may not be familiar. I’d also like to note that there are MANY different versions, variations, sub categories and definitions of non monogamous relationships and while I’m not going to dive into them all in this post, I have addressed some of them personally and will continue to do so in future posts and interviews.

Non-Monogamy: Sometimes referred to as ‘ethical non-monogamy’ (when everyone is honest and/or open about it), this can cover a wide number of situations, including cheating, polyamory, swinging, open relationships…pretty much anything that isn’t a traditionally monogamous relationship.

Polyamory: Like non-monogamy, this gives partners the freedom to sleep with others, but the key difference is that polyamory is a term more specific to love and long term relationships than it is sexual freedom.

I  found a post from Quora user Claire J. Vannette which it’s a pretty simple way of looking at polyamory:

If your relationship is polyamorous and open, then it’s kosher for you to take new relationships, and you may fall in love with your partners. My relationships work this way.

If your relationship is polyamorous and closed, then you have more than one partner but have agreed not to take any new ones. For example, you could have a closed triad, a group of three people who are only involved with each other and don’t get involved with anyone else.

If your relationship is open and not polyamorous, then you may take new partners, but these connections are not supposed to be romantic. Swingers often have sex outside their main relationship, but keep it casual.

If your relationship is neither open nor polyamorous, you’re probably monogamous.

I reached out to Kayden Kross, creator of Trenchcoat X first, who along with partner Manuel Ferrara are in a non-monogamous relationship. Both are long time celebrated adult entertainment performers, directors and producers (and two of my favorite people in the industry). I asked Kayden for her perspective because I’ve always appreciated the fact that she and Manuel are able to balance their personal and professional lives in a way that works for them. #relationshipgoals

Kayden Kross

1.Were you monogamous or non monogamous prior to working in adult?
I was supposed to be monogamous. I remember that much. But I tended to stray.

2. What impact has working in adult had on your relationships one way or another?
It’s forced me to focus on something beyond the sex in the relationship. I didn’t do that before adult.

3. Do you experience jealousy with partners? If so, how do you deal with it?
I do. Not sexual jealousy, per se. Attention jealousy, time jealousy. That’s been a mainstay in my relationships for a long time.

4. How do you deal with jealousy from your partners about people you work with or are otherwise involved with?
It’s a mixture of rationalizing it and trying to find the root of the problem. There’s usually something more going on by the time I begin to clearly recognize that I feel jealousy.

5. What appeals to you the most about non monogamy?
The non monotony

6. What does your ideal relationship look like?
Supportive, equally yoked, and passionate

7. How do you personally define commitment?
I think commitment is something you have when your first instinct is to fight for the relationship rather than let it wither when things get tough

8. Do you have specific boundaries in your relationship or things that you won’t do with anyone other than your primary partner?
Many

9. Do you have and/or believe in partner/relationship privilege?
Absolutely. I think it’s necessary. How that looks differs from couple to couple but if you’re not number one in some capacity then why bother?

Where can people find/follow you?
twitter @kayden_kross insta @clubkayden

Kayden Kross courtesy of TrenchcoatX.com

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Further Reading and Resources about Non-Monogamy

A fun map of Non-monogamy by Franklin Veaux

A fun flow chart about different types of non monogamy
Non monogamy diagram courtesy of Franklin Veaux

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Some additional reading about non monogamy:

Seven Forms of Non Monogamy  Via Psychology Today

What is Ethical non Monogamy? By UncommonLove