The In Between

This week was my first real look at what life is like after the end of my last relationship; I took a road trip alone that we’d talked about doing together. I had business in another city and since it was only a few hours away, I decided to make the drive alone. One of my coping mechanisms has always been throwing myself at work during a heartbreak and adding a trip into that seemed like a distraction big enough to keep me out of my head as much as possible. I hopped in the car on Wednesday  and threw in a couple of hours worth of introspection on the drive along the way to the tune of Johnny Cash and Elvis trying to get as much of it out of my system as I could before I got there.

During the next few days, we  worked out of their offices and we hammered out some new business together. In the evenings they took me out on the city, knowing that I’d been through a rough breakup and doing their best to cheer me up and distract me.  I was appreciative of their efforts and it really did make a difference to me, as did the change of scenery. Work kept me busy during the day and they kept me busy at night showing me different parts of the city.

We stood outside together on a rooftop bar where I  sipped Coca Cola in lieu of booze, which I gave up during the breakup. I  counted the 21 days since the last time I’d had a drink as my friends ordered another round and I  felt both comfortable and ill at ease  at the same time, constantly trying to stay in the moment and not think about Maeve or how much I’d have love to have explored the city with her. I  told myself that I just needed a little more time to be ok with it and I  more or less accepted that to be true but it didn’t make me miss her or want to have a drink any less.

We talked a lot about the adult entertainment industry (which we all work in) as the sunset painted everyones faces a rosy gold. We discussed the way that it’s changed and how so many people we know haven’t been able to make that turn with it and have been left behind. As much as I  threw myself at the conversation though, Maeve was never far from mind. They did their best to cheer me up and distract me and I’m thankful for their efforts, but it’s all still too fresh.

Time  is one of those funny things that often goes by too slowly when you are waiting and too quickly when you are holding on to something that’s slipping away. When it comes to matters of the heart, I  find that it’s very rarely on your side, so when I’ll be at peace with it is anyones guess.

I  drove home the next day, singing loudly to the radio, trying to keep focused on the future rather than on what’s past. I’ll visit again in just a few weeks and maybe I’ll be in a different frame of mind by then. For now thought,  I’m grateful for the few days of distraction, for the new memories that it’s given me and for something to look forward to.

When I got home, my roommate was practicing a song for an audition, tapping out the notes to something that was slow and maybe a little bittersweet.  I pulled out the bong that my friends had sent me home with, packed it and offered it to my roommate, who took it from me with a smile.

“What were you playing” I  asked and she told me as we passed back and forth taking hits, but the name was gone as soon as she’d said it and we both sat there quietly in the afternoon sun for a while.

I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes and she went back to tapping out the song on the keys. I  sent my wishes for the future out into the universe to the tune of ‘Hey There‘ by Rosemary Clooney and drifted off with one question on my mind:

What next?